Baby Blues

Well, I never thought "THE baby blues" would happen to me. I am so strong willed and stubborn, not to mention too busy for this kind of thing. Well, is there a chance I could have been wrong? Is this what its like? I have this perfect little family; wonderful husband, beautiful intelligent children and here I am.... Just a mess. I holler and scream for really no reason, I fuss at my kids for doing 'kid stuff' and take my anger and confusion out on my husband as if it is his fault. It is not their fault, it is mine. I am going to change this thing if it is the last thing I do. I do not want to break the sweet bright wonderful spirits of my adoring children and I want to be able to have the 'Golden Years' with my husband. I am going to go talk to a shrink friend of mine and hopefully she can help me get through my demanding and stubborn ways and learn to be the 'loving and doting' mother that I picture myself being. I believe it will take some time and lots of hard work to retrain my brain, but I WILL DO IT!!

"Mommy, I love you"....

The sweetest words any Mommy will ever hear and that will melt your heart forever.... My son had his sweet little arms around my neck today when he quietly said those words in my ear. Shivers went down my arms, and the little hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I hope he always feels like that, and I know that I never want to forget that sweet little voice, and those sweet little hands. I am almost tearing up now, but I know that one day his little voice will be deeper and his little arms; not so little anymore. Hopefully he will remember the days of cuddling all day in our pj's watching cartoons, and eating ice cream for lunch just because we want to, or when he closes his eyes, maybe he will remember the smell of my shampoo or my perfume, and have this overwhelming calm.... I love my kids so much, I just wish that there were the perfect words to tell them so they would never doubt it, or never forget it. When we grow up, things tend to not stay so innocent and young, and I know that my boys will become young men one day, and that I will have to "cut the apron strings" so to say, but will they remember the little things that I remember? Will they even be important to them? Wondering what their fondest memories will be, and hoping for all eternity that it was me.... loving them....

A New Year, A New Me.....

Well, if things go as I have planned, this year will be spectacular. I am trying to focus on making myself a better person in general, in turn making myself a better Mommy. Sometimes it seems to me that I stress out over everything, depend too much on my over scheduling, and just dig my heels in when it comes to compromise.
I will spend more time trying to do the everyday things (such as chores) in the evenings after the kids are in bed, as to not take that precious time away from them. I am going to try to appreciate all of the wonderful small things my husband does to make my life even the slightest bit easier, and remember to thank him for those things. I will try to motivate myself enough everyday to make sure I get out of my pj's and to also get my kids out of theirs.
Play dates, park trips, beach days, and more time visiting with family are a few more things I need to focus on. And lastly, definitely my temper, and the way I talk to people, especially the ones that I care the most about. I want to take more time and listen when my kids call my name, and not just say "hold on baby" or "ask your Daddy", or "give me a minute". When they speak, they should be heard. I WILL be the Mommy that makes her kids feel like the most important person on the planet, I will make sure they feel like they can tell me anything and everything. I will make sure they know without a shadow of a doubt, that I love them each more than anything in the entire world, and would do anything for them. Sounds like a big plan, but I am one hard headed, determined soul, and I believe that I and my family are worth the effort.

Family

The importance of family is always been taught to me when I was a girl, but until I got married and had children of my own, I didn't realize how important it really was. The strength of unity, the bond with children, the teachings of right from wrong, and the unconditional love between mother and child, as well as father and child.

I think that my mother is the most influential person in my life, besides my husband. I still talk to her everyday, and call her to ask advise on the hard things in life that I encounter quite frequently. She gives me her take, and I can either agree or disagree, but whatever the case, she doesn't mind. I want to be that for my children, and hope that in the everyday grind in raising them to be wonderful, caring and respectful adults that they see that quality in me. I want them to grow up and think that it is important to go spend time with their grandparents, even if its only to say a quick hello and to kiss them gently on their cheeks and tell them how much they love them.

No one is guaranteed tomorrow, and as long as we teach our children that family is the most important bond they will ever know, then show them in everything we do how important that is to remember, the world will be a kinder place for them. To always know they have family to depend on and that we will always be there for each other..... No matter what....

In an instant...

As I sit at this computer with tears in my eyes thinking of a tragic accident that claimed the life of a mother and wife last night in my area, all I can do is think of my children. In an instant the life of this woman was taken by a drunk driver, and the lives of her family and friends have been forever changed. Her children will have to know the pain of growing up without a mother, her husband will have to live his life and try to raise two children in this crazy, unforgiving world. Her parents will have to live the rest of their days without their oldest daughter, her siblings will have to carry on without their big sister, and her nieces and nephews will grow up without ever really remembering the time they spent with her.

In an instant, I have decided that I would like to lock the doors on my house and never let my kids out again. I want to protect them with everything that I have, and that includes keeping them from anything in the outside world that could potentially harm them in any way. In reality, I know this is very unrealistic for me to even think about. I wish that senseless tragedies like this one didn't happen, but I know that if something like this ever happened to my family, I would definitely want them all to know that I loved and adored each and every one of them and that can never be said once someone is gone.

I have decided that I will sit down one day very soon and write a letter to my husband, each of my children, each of my parents and the very closest people to my heart, because even if I forget to tell them, I want them to know that for all of eternity, I will love them for the wonderful and loving people that they are and that they have brought so much joy and light into my life. In an instant the whole world can change.... *tears*....~That's all I have for now... I am going to hug my boys and tell them how much Mommy loves them.

Imagination

When I was a girl, I thought I had a vivid imagination, but I don't think it holds a candle to my middle child. He is a scientist, an engineer, a sheriff, a knight, a chef, a magician, a secret agent, and many other things I can't even remember right now. It started as soon as he was able to walk good and for Christmas, Santa brought him a trunk of dress up costumes. Each time I was out and about, I would search for items to add to the box. Found a beanie hat and a construction vest at Michael's Craft Store, a fireman costume at Wal-Mart, and the husband made a magic wand to go with the magician's hat. We are still adding to it as his interests change and inside the trunk that once was barely full enough to cover the bottom, it is now overflowing to the point that it needs to be cleaned out.
I giggle and laugh at him when he morphs into one of his imaginary persona's, but in reality, I wish sometimes, that I too could slip away into a costume and go undetected or be completely inconspicuous for a while. I try to remember that I shouldn't keep his imagination on a leash, but I worry that if I didn't set some sort of boundary, it could get completely out of hand. Once we visited my husband's grandmother in the nursing home after her knee replacement, and he had to wear his spider-man costume. The elderly people there just adored him, and praised me for embracing his imagination, but when is too much? Hopefully there isn't a line for me to draw, because he is truly a FREE SPIRIT!

One day, we went grocery shopping and he wore his grandfather's old hat and I drew a mustache on his cute little face and he adorned a pair of little glasses; just his size and we had the best time laughing and giggling, and the people there also enjoyed the sweet spirit of my boy.

Just this morning, we were playing construction, and we built a secret laboratory out of wooden blocks and then we transformed into scientists that mixed secret magic potion and drank it all down and had secret laboratory muffins for breakfast. I once told my mother that I never wanted to grow up, and she politely informed me that being a child forever was NOT an option. As a mother, I now realize her statement was so true, but I still get a chance to be a kid everyday. I relive my childhood in my children, and I hope they carry on the same way with their children. I maintain a prior statement I made.... I never want to grow up, but I would like to change it just a bit. How about "I never want to grow old enough to forget how fun it is to be a kid".... Everyday is a world of wonder and surprises and I wish I could remember every single one!

Baby's breath

Last night after my husband and children were asleep, I sat up and watched my favorite shows, and noticed something very odd for our household. The dead silence.... With a house full of guys, that is a very scary sound, and one that only happens every now and then. As I got ready for bed, I crept into the boys' room, and spied on them. Toby had his legs hanging off the toddler bed that he almost fills up and was wrapped in a cocoon of Thomas the Train blankets even though it wasn't cold, and Baby Thatcher was stretched out on his belly, with the quietest of a little snore.

I stood there for a minute and just listened to the sounds of my children, sweet and innocent in the dark... Taking in the smells and the feeling, trying to burn them and that very moment into my mind forever.

Around 2am, Baby Thatcher stirred awake and I went in to check on him. I picked him up and went into the living room and snuggled in my chair, holding that little bundle of flesh and hair, with his dark eyes looking into mine. I nuzzled my face into his neck and took the deepest breath.... Ahhhh..... There's nothing like the smell of a baby .... The smell of just awakened sleep, the milk on his breath, and the warmth of his skin.... I will do my best to never forget that smell, because soon, very soon, Thatcher won't be a baby anymore and I will miss those quiet middle of the night sessions that were made just for us.